FRANKLIN—Attendees at Monday’s mayoral candidate forum might recall Councilman Gump Yaksummore’s sophisticated, yet taciturn, closing remark. He said he would drop out of the race if anyone could explain why World Trade Center Building No. 7 fell on Sept. 11, 2001.
Say what??
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On Tuesday afternoon, Moronia Close came to The Jivewater News with hard evidence for what she believes is an explanation — and a way to clear the track for a two-way race between incumbent Mayor Jack B. Cruisin and Vice Mayor Renisha Jordan.
Her short answer, in essence, is… “the U.S. government.” Ding ding ding!! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
Close said she decided to take up the councilman on his challenge, so she sought to find answers in the only place where truth can be found, the Internets. |
“You make a challenge and I’ll answer it,” she said. “Using a certain search engine that shall remain nameless, but starts with a G and ends in oogle, I can answer any question in under 12.3 seconds. I put my skills to the test against Yaksummore’s broad, irrelevant question. Now the ball is in his pocket, because I have found the real true facts.”
“And watch out,” Close added, “because with The Goracle granting increased internet speeds in a few weeks, I’ll have my answers down to 2.8 seconds!”
During her research, Close consulted www.wikipedia.com, www.cosmicunicorn.com, www.imadipshit.com, www.answers.yahoo.com, and even took a moment of silence to ask the Lord for heavenly assistance at www.jesusissavior.com, followed by taking a break for distraction at www.craigslist.org, www.socosolos.com, and finally www.bangyoulater.com.
For the past 10 years, a range of conspiracy theories have disputed that al-Qaeda was solely responsible for the attacks. Some heathens believe that American officials knew in advance of the plot, and allowed it to happen in order to justify taking greater control in domestic and international affairs. Conspiracy researchers will continue their fact-finding mission via the world wide web until a definitive answer is in place.
Meanwhile, Close’s response begs the question: Will Yaksummore really step aside now?
Has he ever?
No such luck for his rivals, he said Friday.
Told about Cross taking his challenge, Yaksummore said his remark about quitting was made partly in jest — but more seriously to confuse residents into voting for him.