Franklin- The Franklin Mayoral Race is heating up, providing the sleepy town more excitement than one can stand. Having seen more twists and turns than a gripping Hollywood movie, the plot thickened this week when a new candidate emerged challenging many of the ideas put forth by rivals.
The race now has four challengers competing over a town rife with drugs, crime, prostitution and destitution. Franklin City Manager, Ross Perogie summed up the race this week when he said, “this is four more candidates than city officials originally thought would want such a position.”
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Upon hearing some of the discussion among candidates vying to be Franklin’s mayor last week , (see article “A Conundrum Answered?”) Franklin resident Danny Lowe sat dumbfounded, wondering if this current and possible future leadership of his beloved town was really the best Franklin had to offer.
Sitting on his back porch, downing a case of Natural Light with his golf buddy, Neil Victor, Lowe had a vision. “It was a grand vision indeed,” said Lowe. “It was 2015, and Franklin was a boomtown again, and everywhere I went, folks were patting me on the back telling me what a good job I’ve been doing.” |
Lowe didn’t stop at just the vision, and announced his candidacy with a press conference Wednesday. “At that moment, I took it upon myself to give Franklin the best I had, I was going to run for Mayor. I started getting my campaign together right there on the spot. Neil would take care of my appearances. Then I called my buddy Gus Thompson to be my strategist. Gus is well qualified, he spent two years trying to pass a Political Science course at Paul D.”
Current candidate Gump Yaksummore is an avid supporter of Paul D. Camp Community College, and on Tuesday before Lowe announced his candidacy, Yaksummore was quoted saying “Harvard who? When I am Mayor, Paul D. will become the premiere college in the entire Universe!” Upon hearing that Thompson had attended Paul D, Yaksummore was clearly flummoxed, knowing that Lowe’s campaign was a serious threat with the hiring of a former PDCCC attendant.
Lowe’s campaign released official literature Thursday, revealing where Lowe stood on several key issues. One sign portrays Lowe’s dog, trained to pick up his own droppings, with the words “Lowe Gets Shit Done!” emblazoned across the bottom.
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“We’ve got several ideas and initiatives we intend to use to bring results to this great town. For instance, Topless Thursdays at We Be Jammin’ is something we came up with that we all thought would boost morale, and really kick start weekends around here. We also got a great big brother-little brother concept we think will be a big hit. We’ll pair convicted felons with wannabe/future felons, and have them pal around a couple weekends of the month to find out if they’re cut out for prison life.” Meanwhile, Yaksummore also believes Lowe has ulterior motives for entering the race and conveyed this sentiment Friday when he told The Jivewater News that Franklin businessman, Tony Perverman, recruited Lowe to run because he too wanted Topless Thursdays and would support him. |
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Yaksummore also named Judge Bangur Gavel, Lowne Sharke, Buck Wild, Rippen Lips, and the Jivewater News Senior Editor as co-conspirators.
He said when he confronted some of the alleged conspirators about reimbursing his campaign fees if he would drop out of the race and help ensure a Lowe victory, he was encouraged to stay in. Yaksummore was banking on the black vote, however with the addition of Topless Thursdays, it really doesn’t matter what color you are. Lowe is getting those votes. “They all want to see some titties, and not the busted kind,” Yaksummore said. “If they’re successful, then Lowe wins.”
Yaksummore also accused Senior Editor of slanting his columns toward Lowe, which we at the esteemed Jivewater News find interesting since this is the first article mentioning Lowe that has surfaced.
Lowe knows the odds against him are stacked, especially with some of the proposed ideas coming from the Yaksummore campaign. In a release Friday, Lowe was challenged to come up with a better solution for Franklin’s woes than what he proposed. Yaksummore stated, “The only difference between the city of Franklin and the city of Las Vegas, geographically, is the gimmick. Both are approximately nine square miles,” his eyes widening as he continued. “Why not turn the former Winn-Dixie building, which has been vacant wasteland for 7 years, into the greatest Casino the world has ever seen?!”
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Yaksummore further bolstered his proposal stating “Once we make the announcement that this is the direction the city is taking, businesses will want to come here to get in on the ground level. There will be all kinds of mini casinos inside that palace, all sorts of themed games… you know the usual: dice throwing, spades, poker, blackjack, and checkers,” Yaksummore said. He also believes the Casino plan would help increase enrollment at Paul D. Camp Community College because it would become “the best school in the nation for teaching dice game theory, and will offer the signature courses such as: “To Buy or Not to Buy – Monopoly Game Theory” and “Don’t Know What Else to Do with Your Life? Double Down and Become a Casino Girl.” |
Lowe also faces opposition from Yaksummore on jobs creation. In what can only be described as Ageism, Candidate Yaksummore wants your Granddaddy to step down from the City post he’s held for the past 20 years. “Several of these people are near retirement age, so by freeing up those positions we can promote from within and create new jobs to put younger people to work,” Yaksummore said. “Franklin people need work.”
Lowe countered Yaksummore’s job proposal, favoring a model that focuses on bringing in numerous smaller businesses to alleviate the dependence on a sole corporation. “We all saw what the departure of International Paper did to the region,” Lowe said during his press conference Wednesday. “I would like to see us move away from relying on the whims of IP, and get everyone back to work. The Winn Dixie building is a great starting point, but I differ with Mr. Yaksummore in its implementation. That building clearly is something that can be entertainment for the entire family. I’d like to see a strip club on one side for the adults, with a day care facility in another wing, because let’s face it, those single moms working that pole will need a safe place for their children. I’d also like to put an 18 hole putt-putt course on the outside. If extra space permits, maybe have a good restaurant/bar setup, because let’s face it, there isn’t anywhere in Franklin to really get f—ed up anymore.”
It appears voters will have quite a time selecting Franklin’s future leader. With the current state of affairs in Franklin showing a rise in crime, a deteriorating school system in shambles, an alarming unemployment rate, and worst of all an increasing rate of crack hos, the task will not be an easy one. Voters will have to decide if the man currently in charge deserves two more years. If voters opt to go in a new direction, will it be a woman whose supporters are avid users of Google and the internets with a penchant for solving 9/11 mysteries once and for all? Or are you ready to get your one-armed-bandit on with casinos, PDCCC: The Southern Harvard, and conspiracies? Or will it be door #3, Topless Thursdays and a Multipurpose Winn-Dixie Land of Lights?
As the great Abraham Lincoln once said, “It is better to stay silent and let people think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
The choice is yours citizens! Be sure to tune in on May 2nd for the conclusion of As the World Burns!