NEWSOMS— With many drivers lamenting the “speed trap” that Newsoms has become in the past couple of years, our readers have wondered just how many speed limit violators the town has ticketed since 2010.
Back in 2009, The Town of Newsoms, with no law enforcement, was known as “The Drag Strip.” Newsoms resident and NASCAR enthusiast, Cope N. Hagen, referred to pre-2009 Newsoms as the golden years. “Man, I tell you what, we had it good. I’d get done watching Junior on Sundays and go hammer down on the strip out there on 671. I was still drunk as hell from watching the race, but ain’t nobody give a shit, it’s Newsoms, hell e’rybody was drunk, what else you gon’ do in this town, you know? So, I stop in at Drake’s, get me a Sun Drop and some dip, catch up on all the local gossip, then tear out the parking lot with my pipes ringin’ and I’d hit 75 before I made to the end of town, yessir!”
“We had so many drivers that would blink while speeding through town that they would be unaware of the bustling boom town they just drove through,” said Newsoms Mayor Jumbo P. Nutt. “It was hurting our local economy, as by not seeing our wonderful gas station, and restaurant, they were missing out on everything Newsoms had to offer. So we had to find a way to slow these drivers down, in the hopes of helping the local economy.”
The town moved quickly to implement a police force, with the main goal of slowing everyone down beneath the 35mph limit. “We even called in local legend Trooper Johnson to give a weekend crash course. I could tell everyone was in awe of the footage he showed off his 4 car pullover,” said Nutt.
The police force quickly made their presence known in 2010 when Newsoms policeman, Johnny Law, Jr., pulled over and ticketed his own mother for a 39 in a 35. “We knew if he gave his own mama a ticket for that, there’s no way in hell we’re getting off,” said Hagen.
In data released from the Newsoms town office, the estimates from 2010 and 2011 indicate that 3,245 speeding tickets had been written in the last two years. The most recent census stated the Newsoms residency at 1400 people, with 800 of legal driving age, making Newsoms, per capita, the most speeding-ticketed town in the U.S.
Not satisfied with those results, Newsoms set out to find a more experienced cop, and earlier this year, hired Jim Dangle, formerly of Reno, Nevada, as evident by the vinyl scraped off his squad car. Dangle, an effective cop with a fantastic track record, is well known for wearing shorts that more closely resemble “nuthuggers.”
“Dude comes to my car, and bad enough I have to get a ticket, but right at eye level, I can see the entire outline of his package. Isn’t that punishment enough?” asked Hagan.
Newsoms’ police officers are required to be in uniform at all times, but with Newsoms on a budget and not in a position to be choosy, officers are only required to wear a collared shirt, Mayor Nutt said. “It can be any kind of shirt really. Friday’s Hawaiian shirt day has been a big morale boost for us.”
As for 2012, it appears Newsoms drivers have finally adjusted, with tickets falling by 30%. “Yeah, we finally are heeding that pace car that sits there on the side of the road,” said Hagen. “Real noble work they’re doing too, this is so much better than the lawless ‘00s, when 671 in Newsoms, your ride, a hellacious woman and a cold Budweiser were all you needed. Could be worse I guess, I could live in Boykins.”
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