- Dear ground hog family, I killed your mother for no other reason than my pleasure and frustration at not being able to shoot a few people that need killin. This is not an apology, but a future warning also. If I see you in the field I will not be able to control the urge to blow your damn head off too. Buzzards gotta eat!
- I put a little too much trust in that fart!
- Senior Editor forgive me for I have sinned. This is my first confession. I was at Walmart the other day sexting my true love that I met on Match.com. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and are hopefully finally going to meet next April but I digress. I’m trying to find some ammunition for my 44 Magnum that I conceal carry since our county is turning into Satan’s playground and the person in front of me at the ammo counter was talking on the cell phone while we waited for a customer service representative to come to the sporting goods section. To make a long story short, the guy on the phone was extremely obnoxious constantly using profanity and yelling out ‘Murika. After the third ‘Murika I lost it and backhanded the drain on society. I mean seriously how much more damn effort does it take to add one syllable and say your country’s name correctly? I still say the moron deserved it even if he was only 5 years old. I can usually hold my temper a little better but I since the police shut down the reefer operation in Newsoms I have nowhere to get my weed. I need my weed to mellow out. The worst part is that after I slapped him he said he wanted to “axe” me a question. Well, I got in fear of my life and pulled my 44 Magnum but fortunately I was out of ammo. I did get to meet my heroes Stanley Johnson and Moe Parr as they arrested me and took me to jail. I’m out on bond awaiting trial!
- I’d like to confess to keying and slashing all four tires to a purple Dodge Neon last week. I thought it was my Baby Daddy’s car, but it turns out it was some teenager’s ride, and my Baby Daddy had sold it to him. Not getting child support will make you do some crazy things. As soon as I find out what he’s driving now, I’ll be sure to key the correct vehicle, cause he is tripping if he thinks he’s gonna sell a car, get some money for it, and not pay for his kid. Hell naw! I hope you can forgive me little boy with the purple neon. I heard some turtle wax and no-flat tire spray should fix that right up. That’ll work, right?
