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Name of person featured: Ima Manager Address: We’ve got you surrounded, you can’t throw a rock without it hitting two of our locations Business Phone Number: 1-800-BENDOVR Operating hours: 23/7/364 (Never there when you need us) Nature of business: Overpriced wireless service to what we hope are dumb consumers Owner: Gerald F. Whorizon, III Year Founded: 1996 Number of Employees: We don’t even know, we’re pretty sure people just come in wearing Whorizon t-shirts that don’t even work for us, but we typically have a ratio of two salesman for every in-store customer who are trained to annoy the ever living shit out of you the moment you breath that fresh Whorizon store air. There will be no unattended browsing! How’s business going?: It’s going great! Our new Whorizon Wireless “We think our customers are f—– idiots plan” is going great! We’ve now got people signing up to have less data than they did before AND paying full retail price to rent a phone. So not only are they paying $600 for a new handset that WE still own, we’re reducing their data without a real reduction in bill price! We’re amazing! One thing you wish everyone knew about your business: Here at Whorizon we cater to the individual and the business world. You got women running wild? Get them on that share plan to keep them in line. Nothing upsets us more than your employees running up your bill over some baby daddy drama, which is why we’re proud to announce our new “Bitch, Get off the Phone!” app, patent pending, which limits your employees phone calls, texts and data to your specifications. This plan can be had for an additional $15 per line! Something you offer that a customer won’t find elsewhere: Effective management. Our managers go through a stringent two day course on running your own Whorizon Wireless branch, where they learn all the trade secrets of assuming all customers are uninformed and not on to your bullshit. So if you can’t hack it anywhere else, maybe becoming a Whorizon Manager is for you!
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