FRANKLIN—Timmy Phelps isn’t used to coming home to a wife in heat, but that’s just what he got Saturday. Working nights at the mill, Timmy arrived home to find his wife, Karen Phelps in extreme distress after she experienced the blockbuster film, Magic Mike, on Friday night with all of her girlfriends.
“When I came in the door, what happened to me could be considered rape in a few states,” said Phelps. Timmy wasn’t the only husband in Western Tidewater experiencing the between-the-sheets heat wave. Record-breaking crowds attended Magic Mike viewings across the area, with state officials estimating that at least 1,500 women are in heat across Tidewater.
| Officials issued a state of emergency for men across the area. “What has been seen cannot be unseen. We just want husbands to use extreme caution around these women. You may be asked, or coerced, to do things you wouldn’t normally be doing. At this time we advise using your best judgment, but know that denying them could have severe consequences. Our prayers are with those with wives that look like walruses. At this time we are gathering emergency kits for distressed husbands that include Viagra, Cialis, Herpecin, Pedialyte, roofies, and in severe cases, a bag of Pillsbury flour to help find the wet spot. God speed, and good luck.” |
What has been seen cannot be unseen. |
Friday’s Magic Mike opening broke the box-office record of women in heat, previously set by Dirty Dancing. The area is expecting even more record-breaking women in heat for this weekend, when the cineplex is expected to have twice the number of viewings as opening weekend, due to some women seeing the movie multiple times. Western Tidewater isn’t alone. According to a published report, 41 all-time women-in-heat records across America were broken or tied as a direct result of Magic Mike.
Newsoms resident Angela Towns had a hard time while viewing Magic Mike. “I got so worked up, I ran up to the big screen, threw my panties at Channing Tatum, and was immediately tackled and arrested. I was pretty ashamed. Everyone else had the decency to rub one out in their seat or wait until they got home. I just don’t know what got into me….but I know what I wanted to get into me! Whew!”
Destiny Beason of Ivor, also experienced ill effects from the Magic Mike viewing, which would later result in a car accident. “I was just so hot and I couldn’t sleep, it was like a burning inside me. So I went to Dairy Queen in the hopes that a Dilly Bar would remedy the heat and allow me to relax. Well, as you can see by my overturned vehicle and soiled pants, I’m still in heat and I melted the Dilly bar after 60 seconds.” Having been the first on the scene, Trooper Stanley Johnson was not amused. “I found out she was using an ice cream cone to alleviate her symptoms while she was driving down the road. She also informed me she hadn’t slept in 24 hours due to all the hard bodies in that movie. I attributed the accident to fatigue, and the distraction of shoving a Dilly Bar where the sun don’t shine.”
Gwen Stallings, owner of “What’s that Buzzing Sound?,” an Adult Shop in Windsor, said the women in heat have been a fantastic boom to her business. “When the heat us turned up like this, we sell all kinds of toys, marital aids, costumes, you name it. A lot of our male skivvies are out of stock but we have a shipment on the way, as well as a waiting list.”
Sexologist Sue Johanson blames the increase of women in heat on a lack of fulfillment between couples, and the fact that women have become unrealistic regarding how men should look. “Everyone wants instant gratification and a man with six pack abs these days,” said Johanson. “You women need to enjoy the beer belly, balding hair lines and 90-second stamina of the man you’ve got!”
The women-in-heat epidemic is expected to continue for the foreseeable future, or as Timmy Phelps said, “until a new romantic movie comes out that all of us men will get dragged to, and then none of us will be able to get any until we act all sweet and romantic. One minute we need to be more like a vampire, then we are supposed to rip off our shirts and have rock hard abs and dance around in a banana hammock. It’s a vicious cycle.”