FRANKLIN— Aileen Miller calls it the smell of rotten tailhole.
“That’s what my dad used to call it when I was growing up here and would tell him it stinks,” said Aileen. “We would all be at the dinner table, and we could see Melvin quietly trying to lift his leg in his chair and squeeze one out silently. We always knew what he was up to, but we would all know it for sure when the stench from the tip of his turd hit our nose hairs.”
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A 55-year-old music teacher, master flatulator and a prodigy of the ass trumpet, Melvin Miller was excited when he learned a large family meal had been planned for Sunday night. ”I kept thinking about all the familiar smells that I’ve produced over the years,” said Melvin. “I knew going in, it would be critical that I rise to the occasion and give everyone a pungent smell from yesteryear.” With a spread that would make any Thanksgiving meal envious, the Millers sat down at the family table. Cousin Debbie thanked God at the time that they all were fortunate, as for the moment she’d barely noticed any odor. |
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About 5 minutes into the meal, it happened. Grandpa Joe began gagging, quickly followed by Grandma Sue, until it had spread to the entire table. “The wallpaper just started peeling off the wall, and we had to resucitate Aunt Janie. That was the worst smell,” said Debbie. “I don’t think Satan himself could concoct such an ungodly smell.”
Uncle Tom tried in vain to describe the stench, noting, “I’m betting it’s pretty watery. It definitely had the smell that you would associate with foul diarrhea. The smell of sulfur in the air was suffocating. I think that’s what happened to Janie, too much sulfur and too little oxygen.”
Aunt Grace began brewing coffee, hoping to quell the stench, but her efforts were fruitless, as Melvin had only gotten started. “I don’t mind the smell because I know what it is,” said Melvin, laughing. “It’s so great, I’m just getting started and I already got people stirred up.”
Paramedics were called on the scene to assist 50-year-old Aunt Janie. One paramedic on the scene noted the toxic smell that still remained, and wasn’t sure how anyone would have survived. Janie has since been moved to Intensive Care but her health seems to be improving.
The smell is a result of the process of manufacturing a huge turd, said John Brennan, CSI expert on flatulence. Brennan said people may notice a worse smell coming from Melvin Miller because he has what is scientifically called stank ass, which can be attributed to a poor digestive system and terrible diet, and not being taught to contain his poots. He also said the smell could be considered a biological warfare threat.
“What smell? I haven’t noticed any smell,” said Melvin to the law enforcement called to the scene. “I haven’t raised my leg once tonight, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Besides, you act like ripping one is a bad thing. I say ‘more room out than there is in,’ just like Grandma Miller taught me.”