Tasha and I spent the 23rd through the 27th working in the Franklin Wal-Mart. Well, it’s obvious with the hot weather upon us that any remaining good fashion sense is out the window now. It’s so hot, even the Country Club customers are falling out of their tennis tops.
The result is sluggish customers lingering for hours to stay in our AC, and just poor shopping experiences. Just because we have a patio set on display does not mean it’s an open invitation to have an indoors picnic. Saying, “Well, I don’t have to pay because it never left the store,” is not an acceptable excuse. And don’t get me started on Flavor pops. I’ve seen these frozen treats put in places I don’t think Mr. Flavorpop ever dreamed of them going. Let’s just say your mouth isn’t the only place it melts, M&Ms they are not.
Another thing we see this time of year is the use of hygiene products on the aisle. I guess with the other 9 months being bearable, people can withstand their own B.O. But with the heat escalating things, their own stench finally has proven to be too much. When it gets too hot you just step out in one of the hygiene aisles and take a sniff. Smells of Old Spice and Febreeze failing to mask an overriding stench of sweaty armpits and rancid fat roll residue fill the air. It’s the same on the pest control aisle, where people have bathed in Off! hoping to wash off all those deer flies and ‘skeeters.
If I ever impart any inside secret to you, let it be this: People are lazy, so the more overturned carts and clothes racks you can leave behind you, the more relaxing your shopping experience will be. Just think, falling prices with clear aisles and no B.O. or stray nipples to deal with. Its the closest thing you’ll ever get to Wal-Mart nirvana.
Now to address those in town who eschew the trip to Busch Gardens, Disneyworld, or the wide world of Chesapeake Square, and choose a trip to their Franklin Wal-Mart instead. It’s never a great time to take the kids, the dog, and the wife for a family fun trip. All that will happen is they will get bored and resent you for taking them to Wal-Mart as a vacation. You’ll wind up on the pool aisle, and best case, will be purchasing a slip and slide for the kiddies, which will assuredly lead to you being in the emergency room the next day with a bone sticking out of your wife’s arm because she thought it a good idea to run her 300 pound ass down the lawn and hurl herself onto a piece of slimy wet plastic along the ground.
Now that was best case. Worst case, you’ll buy one of those 12-foot pools with the flimsy sides for the entire family. You’ll spend all week trying to figure it out, say f— the instructions by day 3, and duct tape the entire thing together by the weekend. Then you’ll hook your water hose up to the neighbor’s spigot, because let’s face it, you aren’t paying for all that water. Then when it’s finally filled, you and all of your 8 kids will file in and elbow each other repeatedly because none of you can swim in such tight quarters. And that water you filled the pool with? That’ll all be gone when the wife comes out in her moo-moo bathing suit and forces all the water out the pool, because conservation of mass is a real thing, folks.
If you do nothing else, please make sure everybody wears flip-flops or old tennis shoes or something when coming to the Wal-Mart. I’m so tired of the Tom Saywers and Huck Finns walking around. There are so many things on our floor (urine, fecal matter, water, motor oil, Boone’s Farm) that will ruin your day it just makes sense to sacrifice the Nikes, or Voits if you prefer 1985 footwear.
And I’m glad some of you are taking precautions by using sunscreen, but would it be too much to ask you to pay for it? I can’t begin to tell you how many people come in, grab a bottle of SPF 30, lather up on the aisle, and then just put the bottle back on the shelf and walk out. One lady even asked me to get her back for her, and unhooked her bra before I could answer!
But please take a few precautions and follow these tips. You should never expect a wonderful family adventure in the Wal-Mart. Its sole purpose is to find great shopping deals, and on occasion, to offer a great twerkin’ in the parking lot, not entertain you Six Flags style.