FRANKLIN — Franklin Public Schools were acknowledged Tuesday night, earning a prestigious award in Futility, as they were ranked as the worst of Virginia’s 132 public school districts on standardized test scores for 2010-11, and at life in general according to an expert analysis commissioned by The Teach Your Kids Some Shit So They Won’t Rob Us Coalition, or TTYKSSSTWRUSC.
An average of 15 percent of Franklin students passed Standards of Learning tests. However, The Teach Your Kids Some Shit So They Won’t Rob Us Coalition puts no weight into SOL scores, which TTYKSSSTWRUSC president, Jasper Higgenbottom, cites as “blight on education, and a failure to the forefathers of education.”
Instead, TTYKSSSTWRUSC uses advanced metrics in the fields of math, science, history and English, which tests students’ abilities other than coloring in f—— circles on a scantron sheet. “We use what so few today choose to use,” said Higgenbottom, “we use common sense. We don’t use standardized tests, instead we look at learning data that would actually apply to real world situations. You know, data that suggests a student learning something useful could prevent me from getting robbed by uneducated miscreants.”
The Teach Your Kids Some Shit So They Won’t Rob Us Coalition provided results of the analysis last week to Franklin administrators and gave each the opportunity to review the analysis and dispute its accuracy. The administrators, who had been robbed of their wallets firsthand before the meeting, found the analysis irrefutable.
Franklin Superintendent Dr. Ostrich N. Sand said he’s never heard of rankings based on real world knowledge and apparently has never seen the inner-workings of a real life classroom as the good Lord intended it.
“I can’t speak to it because I can’t see how it was derived. I too am a product of Franklin Public Schools” Sand said. “We need to improve though, my car got jacked this morning.”
The second lowest-ranking district in Virginia was Petersburg, whose superintendent, Dr. Alice Jefferson, will become Southampton County Public Schools Superintendent on July 1.
On the new superintendent hiring, Southampton County Public Schools spokesman, Tom Spokesman said, “We saw an opportunity we couldn’t refuse. Anytime you can get an administrator from a failing district that is much worse off than your own, and pay them the same amount as your previous successful superintendent, you have to do it.”
17 percent of Petersburg students passed, according to the analysis.
Jefferson declined to comment on the analysis, but stated “I’m really looking forward to coming to Southampton and bringing my expertise to the community,” Jefferson said. “I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss Petersburg information because we don’t have it. It was stolen off my desk this morning. I can’t see anything positive there.”
Upon hearing the news, 56 percent of Southampton residents went to Lowe’s to purchase that third dead-bolt door lock they’d been considering.
In Franklin, 92 percent of students receiving free lunches failed the tests. However, on paper, only 43% of Franklin students were supposed to receive free lunch, which suggests that the other 49% stole their lunches from the school cafeteria.
All of the 8 percent of students paying full price for lunch passed. Smart students passed at a rate of 100 percent, while dumb students passed at a rate of 0 percent, they did however steal the pencil given to them to take the test with.