FRANKLIN— In an election race that grows stranger by the day, a heated mayoral debate was held Tuesday night, between Councilman Gump Yaksummore and Councilman Gump Yaksummore.
Spectators were in shock as they looked on to see the Ward 3 councilman square off against an artificial-intelligence programmed, golden hologram version of himself. The debate spanned several topics, with Yaksummore reveling in the technological breakthrough that is the hologram. “What you see before you is just the tip of the iceberg of what I plan to do with my time as mayor. This accurate hologram portrayal of me is run off solar power, and is a credit and direct result of the fledgling solar energy department at Paul D. Camp.”
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As the statement was made, the hologram flickered, and actually shut off for several minutes, before Yaksummore begrudgingly plugged the hologram into an electrical socket. The debate wasn’t just about showing off solar energy capabilities, however. The hologram of Yaksummore really pressed its human counterpart on several key issues, especially in the way of attracting businesses, and marketing Franklin to the public at large. Chief among Yaksummore’s campaign has been the implementation of solar power. He said the feasibility of the plan, which would fit solar panels to every building in the city, should be studied further as a way to attract business and tourism. |
Cyborg Yaksummore countered with “I just don’t think it’s a good investment,” during the debate hosted by The Jivewater News. “Who the hell wants to drive all over the world to see a bunch of solar panels? I can see it now, “Hey kids, let’s pack up the minivan and head to Franklin, Virginia to see the epicenter of solar power…” or better yet, “Dad, it was a hard decision between MIT and PDCCC, but at the end of the day, PDCCC’s solar power program really put them over the top. Fightin’ Pinecones for life!”
Cyborg Yaksummore continued saying the city doesn’t need a gimmick but does need protection from current poor and potential leadership, noting “empirical evidence has proven that economic development decisions shouldn’t be put in the hands of the city’s leadership. We, the A.I. race, feel confident that if given a chance, we can create a successful, sustainable local economy, using several sophisticated algorithms. We’ll eliminate human error.”
Human Yaksummore responded saying, “You ungrateful M—– F—–, I give you life, and this is how you talk to me? I’ll unplug you right where you stand.”
Yaksummore bolstered his “Retire Old Fart” campaign with the idea of re-purposing facilities for the retired community. “The James L. Camp Jr. YMCA, Southampton Memorial Hospital, and Cypress Cove Country Club are all nice places where your grandma or grandpa can have lots of room to run and play all day. They’ll be treated great at these facilities while us young folk get to work in their old jobs.”
The candidates disagreed on ways to improve downtown business when it was suggested that shops’ hours of operation aren’t convenient.
Yaksummore said he’s noticed the hours of downtown shops don’t seem to cooperate with his schedule, noting, “It’s like all of a sudden, I’m going around asking people to pay me to back out of the campaign, and they shut the door in my face! How is that gonna get business for anyone?”
Cyborg Yaksummore noted that, “Again, the digital age is defeating you. Why buy downtown when I can go online, pay $20 less, and have it on my doorstep tomorrow afternoon?”
Yaksummore said the city needs to give people a reason to come downtown. He had a new idea this time as a way to achieve this. “What we’ll do is… frankly one of my opponents idea of Topless Thursdays is simply distasteful and demeaning. I propose a much cleaner, family friendly atmosphere, even your preacher would be proud to come to. I’m talking about Apple Bottom Saturdays. From 4pm to whenever, Franklin’s finest Apple Bottoms will be on display, something the entire town can enjoy, a real feel good romp.”
Mayoral candidate Lowe was absent.
Lowe released a statement explaining his absence, “It appears that one mayoral candidate decided to have a debate with himself on Tuesday, April 24. As of Friday, April 20, I was still reeling from Thursday’s Topless Gala at the waterfront and had a massive hangover” Lowe said.
A Note From the Senior Editor:
Hello, fine readers and citizens of our little town of Franklin. It is with great responsibility and deep thought that we, at The Jivewater News, have selected to endorse a candidate we feel will best fulfill our needs for the future. With Election Day fast approaching, we looked at the hard facts, realizing that this once great town needs a change.
At first glance, candidate Johnson seemed to be a fine pick for a newspaper that exists solely on the World Wide Web. With her team’s vast knowledge and use of Google, her soon to be contributions to technology seemed to be a match made in heaven. However, upon further reflection, this town is not yet ready for the digital age. With many citizens still without high-speed internet (see recent article on Broadband availability), it is too soon to make this change. Pushing new technologies on a community that just began using the DVD last year would cripple any breakthrough this fine candidate might make, setting the town back even further. We had to dig deeper, and find a candidate who clearly understood the delicate nature of Franklin.
We then turned our attention to newcomer, Danny Lowe. Lowe, known for his party boy antics and filling his campaign committee with drinking buddies, seemed poised to really ramp up the entertainment industry of downtown Franklin. He experienced overnight success after he announced his Topless Thursdays platform, quickly garnering 3000 signatures, which ranged from Judges, Bankers, Businessmen and horny teenagers. His promises seemed simple enough to implement, and one could see how the local economy could spike under his leadership. We quickly realized this would not be the change we would need. As we strolled through Wal-Mart Thursday evening, we saw on display that Wal-Mart already has its own version of Topless Thursdays, and let us assure you, it did not invoke any local stimulation. What was a good concept as an idea, was no longer viable upon implementation, and we needed to look elsewhere.
With only one candidate left to look at, we quickly realized this was a perfect fit for us. Candidate Yaksummore was the man to lead this great town, and we’d be behind him the rest of the way. We were sitting in our offices Friday afternoon when the power went out suddenly. Needing to know what 300 divided by 15 was, we sought out our calculators. Our only means of finding out the answer was a trusty old pocket calculator that was run on solar power. The solar powered calculator came through, and we got our answer. What a revelation! It was as if God himself had reached out and said to us, “vote Yaksummore, dummies!” With solar panels abound, and one armed bandits filling the Winn-Dixie, Franklin can move ahead, balance its budget, and give the town something it can be proud of. You heard it here first, Yaksummore is The Jivewater News’ choice for Franklin Mayor.
Or maybe it was the fact he’ll give us plenty of articles the next few years. We can’t really be sure…