FRANKLIN— Al Gore stepped out of his Tennessee mansion on Monday, saw his glorious reflection in his fountain dedicated to himself, and it was good. He then decreed broadband internet for Western Tidewater in six weeks. Local residents are thankful he saw his reflection, because if Mr. Gore hadn’t, it would have been at least two more months.
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The Goracle has caused residents to be excited about the increase in internet speeds for a multitude of reasons, with the top 3 being: unlimited access to porn, illegal music downloads, and the end of the bing da-ding swoooosh bing da-ding swoooosh swoooosh ba-wit-da-bah da-bang da-bang diggy diggy sound when their phone lines were being dialed to connect before high-speed Internet was available. |
Local 22 year old resident, Randy Andy was excited when he learned the news, “Oh man, this is the best day of my life! All that hot girl-on-girl action at your fingertips, and I can torrent that new Nickelback album everyone’s been talking about. It’s like that HughesNet commercial has come true!”
The broadband will become available in Southampton and Isle of Wight counties, Franklin, Suffolk, Chesapeake, Windsor, Smithfield and Surry. This would allow user companies to tap into the broadband transmission, and likely result in a great deal of lost productivity and a subsequent amount of firings due to surfing porn while on the clock. Several local unions are already on the case to protect future infringers, working on a clause to have the businesses pay for any employee wrist damage due to excess strokeage.
Construction will begin when Mr. Gore is ready.