It’s been a busy two weeks since my return. After all the evidence, I was called back in to work the day after the incident and reinstated. There was no ceremony, but my first duty was to clean up the tent. I picked up all the bottles and cans; however the tent was so trashed with gobs of sticky Boone’s Farm bottles that I just threw the entire tent away.
Shoplifting on these shifts was a mixed bag. I caught four large-mouthed women, smuggling two pounds of ground beef each in their tights. I guess they thought with all the cottage cheese they were packing that 2 more pounds of lumpy meat would go unnoticed. Then the next day, I caught a big fat woman trying to steal Kool-Aid by sneaking it into her top. It wouldn’t have been so noticeable had it been the itty bitty packets, but this woman was trying to take the big plastic container of it.
Now I’ve got a beef. Upon returning to work, I found a note on my locker. It had been there for a few days and was making fun of my “Wal-Mart Special: 2 inch life-like worm.” Of course it was not signed, which is annoying because I cannot find the issuer, drop my drawers, and show them I’m carrying at least a solid 5. Co-workers! The note continued to rant on about how going commando made me an environmental criminal, which I do not understand.
So to my critic, let me just say “Jonathan’s Special” is one of the cleanest, most efficient love tackles ever made, and I’m an expert in the ways of the worm dangle. And think on this, while you’re out there running around putting nameless notes on my locker, I’ll be cleaning up and trying to improve all the fine trim that’s walking around the store we call the Wal-Mart.