FRANKLIN—The finals of the Franklin Homo-Regatta came down to a race between a boat inspired by an all-American dreamy dessert of a man in Brad Pitt and one named for former Pirates of the Seven Seas.
“Queen Anne’s Revenge of the Sphincter,” came in first, piloted by B.J. Cummings, dressed in the finest pirate garb, along with his first mate Jeffrey. They were followed by the “Brad Pitt I’d Like to Banana Split” with pilots Hugh Johnson, Sean McGeigh, and Haywood Jablome, all dressed in sailor-wear placing second.
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The second annual event held at Barrett’s Landing was a fundraiser for the Homophobics Anonymous team, which was created to raise awareness and tolerance among Homophobic people that sometimes it’s okay to let another man have at your man cave. The “Queen Anne’s Revenge of the Sphincter” was playfully named after the ship captained by notorious pirate, Blackbeard. Blackbeard was a terror on the open seas, striking fear in many a ship captain. Always one to enjoy his plunder, Blackbeard’s modus operandi was to always board other ships and raid the “booty” of other crews. |
“I read about Blackbeard online one night,” B.J. said. “I knew I wanted to re-create that glorious ship and have our very own “tug” boat this year.”
B.J. took home last place during last year’s regatta because he was disqualified for unapproved shore leave with his first mate, Jeffrey.
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Haywood Jablome came up with the idea for the “Brad Pitt I’d like to Banana Split” boat, designed with a lifelike model of Brad Pitt on the inside. The crew sat in the middle of the boat, straddling “Pitt” dressed as Navy Sailors. The boat was also given the award for most erotic because judges thought, “What’s more deliciously Homo than a Brad Pitt Banana Split?” The third place boat, “I Got Two Tickets to Jerrod’s Thighs,” belonged to an Elizabeth City couple that was trying to escape the oppression of North Carolina’s gay laws, and was technically not part of the race. “They just paddled so fast,” said event organizer Mr. Garrison, “we decided to include them, as we identify with their plight.” |
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Local Pastor Fyron Brimstone said the event was blasphemous, noting, “I don’t think my Lord appreciates these men bandying about to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” while drinking mimosas and occasionally grabbing each other’s backsides.”
Other participants included boats named “The Love Glove Boat,” “I’ll Float Your Boat,” “SS Fantabulous,” as well as newcomer the “Brown-Eyed Navy.”