FRANKLIN—The Little Farts, Smaller Minds Daycare Center is expected to create new jobs now that it has been contracted to administer the Slow Beginnings program in Franklin, Suffolk, and Isle of Wight and Southampton counties.
The Franklin daycare center on Tuesday announced it had received a $2.3 million grant from the Teach Your Kids Some Shit So They Won’t Rob Us Coalition to provide the Slow Beginnings program to 300 children.
 |
Little Farts, Smaller Minds will take over the program from Franklin Public Schools, which was forced to close the Slow Beginnings program in March 2012 by court order. In the proceedings, Judge Bangen D. Gavel, ruled that children remaining under Franklin’s care would do irreparable damage, leading to “learning disabilities not yet seen in Western Civilization.” The announcement was surprising to some, as it comes on the heels of recent allegations against Little Farts, Smaller Minds. Judge Gavel, however, lamented that “despite the allegations currently facing Little Farts, Smaller Minds, anything would be better than subjecting those kids to another minute of what Franklin Public Schools had to offer.” |
Slow Beginnings aims to assist 3- to 25-year-old kids to get their learning on. The program involves teaching real world skills to potential students that could be left behind in the current educational system. The program helps these at-risk children set realistic employment goals, and covers subjects ranging from dice game probabilities, taxidermy, the Cyrus virus: an ode to mullets, line dancing, America’s all-time greatest music genre: 90s Country, responsible financial skills, as well as pushing alternative forms of intercourse in the hopes that it would curb the population growth in at-risk youth. All subjects taught at Slow Beginnings carry the great underlying theme of ‘don’t rob me,’ instilled by TTYKSSSTWRUC founder Jasper Higgenbottom.
“The children attend free for the first two months for six hours, five days a week,” said Little Farts, Smaller Minds owner Thomas Peepen. “However, after the first two months, their dice game skills are expected to be strong enough to where they can begin to pay for their own tuition. Once that skill is established, financial literacy will be a must, to ensure they don’t waste all their money, which will be bolstered by the double deuce or 40 class. In that course, our local expert on the subject, Lamar Evans, will talk to the kids about the proper time to have a 40, and the proper time to double deuce.”
“At this time, we are looking to hire about ten or so teachers to start out,” continued Peepen. “We’re still gonna need someone to work the coliseum, er, I mean, work the usual portion of our daycare. But right now we’re looking at hiring an alternative sex ed teacher, a licensed taxidermist, maybe even get Billy Ray to do a guest appearance. We’ve also reached out to some of the local banks for support, but so far they’ve all wanted to charge an appearance fee, so hopefully someone will step up. Another problem we’re running into, is the state wants everyone hired to go through background checks. Now that sounds great and all, but we aren’t dealing with anything flammable, so it’s kind of a waste of time. There’s nothing here that can be messed up any worse than it already is.”