FRANKLIN— The Little Farts, Smaller Minds Daycare Facility in Franklin has been closed pending an investigation by State officials on Thursday.
In a detailed report from the State Investigation, the daycare center stands accused of numerous infractions, not the least of which was the practice of placing misbehaving toddlers in a small room with a known terrorist of Franklin’s Little Fake Zoo, and the Food Lion meat department: local celebrity That F*#$*&^ Tiger that’s gone eat all of us if y’all don’t git.
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Allegedly, the toddlers were given swords and dirty diapers to try to combat That F*#$*&^ Tiger that’s gone eat all of us if y’all don’t git, to make things more of a fair fight. If the toddler successfully survived for 15 minutes inside the “Coliseum” as some employees called it, the toddler was allowed to rejoin the group to fingerpaint. One employee, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said of the “Coliseum,” “These kids had a fighting chance, geez, we gave them a sword! They have to learn at some point that there’s right and wrong, and if you f— up, you’ve got to deal with the Tiger. Just something new we’re trying. If the kid went and bawled in the corner, boss lady would give the toddler a mean face and two thumbs down, and he’d have to do it again.” |
The investigation also unearthed that several employees had criminal backgrounds. Employees, whose names were redacted in the report, purportedly have charges against them including but not limited to: capias, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, operating a business using child labor, profanity or threats over open airway, failure to properly secure child in car seat, driving while intoxicated, and driving in Virginia with a North Carolina license.
The investigation started when State Trooper Stanley Johnson was called in to investigate a complaint, noting, “The anonymous tipper said they heard a bunch of animal noises coming from the building, maybe a lion or tiger or bear, oh my. I checked into it, and the manager said there must be a misunderstanding. They were just showing the Lion King movie that day, and it was nothing to be worried about.”
“However, ” Johnson added, “I saw what I believed to be tiger feces near the see-saw, and what appeared to be a wildebeest carcass over by the fence, so I knew there was more to it.”
The Virginia Department of Social Services reported several other violations after making an unannounced visit to the daycare center. While there, the Department conducted interviews with several two-year-olds.
Social Services Chief Investigator, Issu Tweekin, noted striking similarities in each of the children’s testimonies. “We found out through extensive research that several of the children can in fact count to three and go pot-pot by themselves on occasion. They all seemed very proud of this and shared it without provocation. When we showed them pictures of simple cartoon characters like Tony the Tiger, they recoiled in horror. We’re dealing with some pretty sick individuals.”
“I’ve never had a problem,” concerned parent Leigh Z. Person said. “I love the daycare so much. Where else can I go to get people to do my child raising for me?”
She added that she learned one of the employees had recently quit, and that person is seeking a position with Ringling Bros for a tiger trainer position, in which she claimed she had past experience in working with tigers.
Another parent, Rosy Glassis, came to the daycare manager’s defense, citing the daycare’s monthly petting zoo as “one of the most exhilarating things my daughter has done while under their care. She raves about getting to see the different animals and she’s always talking about that “pretty big kitty” at the daycare. She loves being able to try different things, and she’s learning so much! Last week she taught me how to properly use bleach! She’s just so smart, and we have Little Farts, Smaller Minds to thank for it.”
Other parents are livid at the daycare, and are threatening legal action. Buck Wild, who’s son Duece attends daycare, was quite outspoken after the recent allegations. “Dis sum bullsheit,” said Wild. “I picked Duece up, an’ the boy had what look like claw marks down his best camo shirt. To top it off, he had som’ kinda stain I ain’t never before seen on his daggum blaze orange vest. Looked like bleach, or paint thinner, an’ he acted high as a durn kite. How’s he supposed to go huntin’ coyotes with me if he’s being exposed to chemicals messin’ up his head? He’s the smartest 11 year old I know, he gon’ start kindergarten next year, we got big plans, can’t be messin’ with his future. Me an’ a couple other parents thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ us one of them fancy city lawyers. We play our cards right, I might be getting that mobile duck blind after all.”
The Teach Your Kids Some Shit So They Won’t Rob Us Coalition has come to the aid of Little Farts, Smaller Minds, applauding the daycare’s efforts. TTYKSSSTWRUS president Jasper Higgenbottom in a released statement said, “It is our understanding that the methods used at Little Farts, Smaller Minds were all in an attempt to curb the poor behavior among our failing city’s youth. It is at this time that we stand with Little Farts, Smaller Minds, and commend them for their creative ideas, and outside-the-box thinking. It is never easy to achieve anything in this day and time, when everyone is so offended at the slightest perception of anything radical, or anything that could make a person question their personal reason. The brave effort this daycare has shown is something we should all strive towards, and we hope that one day, feeding bad children to tigers will become the precedent to a better behaving society. I’ll rest easy tonight knowing that no child at Little Farts, Smaller Minds will come rob me in ten years, for they fear the tiger will eat them if they do.”
Other violations found in the investigation include:
- The center failed to ensure that child laborers were properly screened for cooties and other communicable diseases.
- The center failed to ensure daycare records for largest dump, longest time spent in the “Coliseum,” etc. All records have since been updated.
- The center failed to ensure that all child laborers properly knew how to handle power tools, axes, etc. Proper training has since been instituted.
- The center failed to remain in sight of napping children. At this time, a hasty hire has been made of a man that seems to like children, and has a way of graciously transporting them in his deluxe van. As a bonus, he also likes ice cream and candy, and has a cute puppy.
- All staff members have been reminded that if a couple of children have to go to the bathroom, they should take the whole class. Instruction on proper crossing-the-stream techniques commenced in early May.
- The center failed to ensure infants got outdoor time. If it’s one thing that makes Trooper Johnson ill, it’s an infant that isn’t tanned properly.
Further demonstrating that the daycare has nothing to hide, Little Farts Smaller Minds’ Director Thomas Peepen said Thursday that a surveillance system is expected to be available within the next week “at the latest.” Peepen continued, “to ease the minds of parents, surveillance cameras will be installed. For $19.95 a month, parents, or anyone, and we do mean anyone, with a computer and internet connection for that matter, can get a user ID and password. With the account, users will be able to view all areas of the facility where children are located. Whenever children are placed in the “Coliseum,” a pay per view rate of $39.99 will be assessed, and we have agreed to have these events sponsored by Gold to Cold Hard Money Son.”
In all, seventeen cameras will be used, much like one would see on the hit television show, Big Brother. One will be able to see all the drama play out on the playground, as daycare bully Kendra again scares little Marcie out of her Dora the Explorer Spaghettios. While in another room, little Tyrone has a deadline to meet on the sewing machine, and time is slipping away.
“It should let these viewers know what really goes on behind the scenes here, and help our methods at Little Farts, Smaller Minds to be seen as appropriate and productive,” said Peepen.