NC Ban of Gay Marriage Forces VA to Look at Securing its Borders

COURTLAND – They’re coming, figuratively and literally, across your border, to a town near you! The recent North Carolina constitutional ban on gay marriage has the Gays planning to leave the state of North Carolina, in search of a home that will unite them legally as Top and Bottom. News of the ban spread quickly Wednesday, leaving Virginia officials scrambling to find a suitable solution the problem.

The North Carolina legislature’s decision had many a Gay wondering where to turn next. Murfreesboro gay man, Gerald Spooner, lamented the decision saying, “This is like, totally unfabulous. Jeffrey and I were set to become Man and Man in September at the Bungalow Shore. We had the Groomsman’s leather tuxedos with assless chaps all picked out, now I’m not sure what to do. I guess we’ll look at moving to a new state. I hear Zuni is just to die for in late October!”

News of the constitutional ban spread to college campuses across North Carolina, with Chowan University at the head of the protest movement. Chowan, with 89% of its student population of Lesbian origin, with the other 11% being staunchly opposed to lesbian populations, began face sit-in demonstrations Wednesday. Angela May, Chowan’s leader of the group in pursuit of finding the Man in the boat, was disappointed with the ruling, and contemplated what to do next, stating, “I guess this means we’ll have to transfer elsewhere. I was close to getting my degree in alternative energy… I’m thinking about attending PDCCC, who I hear has a great Solar Energy program.”

Since the announcement, the Southampton County Board of Supervisors held an emergency session Wednesday night. In a 6-0 vote, the supervisors approved a new Gay tax, and commissioned the creation of a Gay Border Patrol. The new Gay tax, will impose a yearly $300 tax on every citizen of Southampton County over the age of 7. Every penny will go to the efforts of keeping the Gay population south of Virginia’s borders. Commenting on the Board’s new installments, supervisor Riddick Eweluss noted, “It’s something we had to do, we read some scripture beforehand, and determined that Jesus’ message about loving everyone clearly meant everyone that isn’t homosexual or North Carolinian. It’s the lord’s work we’re doing, you see.”

The newly minted Border Patrol was quickly put together as well, with 20 individuals being hired for the around the clock posts. Local KKK leader, Dumas (pronounced Dumb-Ass) Wizard, was shocked at the turnout for their weekly meeting, noting, “Won’t har’ly no body at the meetun’ tonight, Er’rybody tryin’ to get hired on dat ther’ Border Patrol outfit. Ol’ Jerruh was ‘posed to bring lemon squares his wif’ made, fool didn’ even show up. How we ‘sposed to spew hate wif no lemon squares? I guess the guys is just excited to get paid fer somefin they do fer free e’ry weekend anyway.”
The new legislation and Board’s reaction received praise from Pastor Isaiah Harris. “The state of North Carolina is doing the right thing,” Harris said. “To me, the only right thing is a man and a woman, anything else is an abomination. I’ve married this one particular fella to seven different wives over the past 15 or so years. He divorced every one of them, but my Lord what a glorious spectacle to see a Man and a Woman share a year and a half of pure hell together. That’s what it’s all about right there!”

On the other side of the law, citizens have begun to see potential ways to earn a profit with the new North Carolina laws in place, and the tightening of Virginia’s borders. The Jivewater News has learned that a network, or Underground Railroad so to speak, has formed with the purpose of smuggling gay couples into Virginia. These smugglers, or “coyotes,” assist gay couples in getting out of North Carolina, and are hard at work recruiting gay couples to pay for their services. Local “coyote,” who spoke on the condition of anonymity, revealed some of his trade secrets, saying, “We have several tactics we’re going to employ. First we’ll try to dress them in straight people’s clothes, and have someone with Virginia plates and license escort them across the state line. This would be very difficult to pull off however, with the quality of state troopers they have there. We might have to take the Nottoway River by johnboat, or if we’re desperate, we’ll pair a lesbian couple with a male couple and try to pass them off as two heterosexual couples. This will be very unnatural for them we know, but if they can go without bumping cakes for 2 hours, we should be golden.”

With the recent comments by our nation’s President in support of gay marriage, local residents have been flabbergasted into switching their votes to Shit Romney for the November election. “I swear, you put a man in office who guarantees change and is a symbol of hope and equality for all Americans, just for him to turn around and say gay people ought to get married. Well he won’t be getting my vote this time,” said stay-at-home mom Victory Ingeesis. Another local resident who chose to only go by Bob stated, “I might beat the s— outta my wife but you best believe our marriage is sanctious. …Sanctified? Sanctitude. Whatever, you know what I mean. Gloria, if you don’t bring me that damn sammich!”

A recent Facebook poll at rival paper The Foulwater News determined that 79% of readers can’t define sanctity, 10% are certain its that Gay Club in Norfolk, 8% are pro Gay marriage, feeling Gays deserve to be just as miserable as straight married couples, 2% would ban the institution of marriage alltogether, and 1% would like to legalize bestiality.